Super Irving

I decided to go visit my old area, and the old coffee shop. I got to see the old ninja guy in my old building. Why is everything old?

I stopped in the coffee shop and my favorite cashier was there. Being a big city boy, I finally got up the courage to talk to her. I told her how I worked in a coffee shop and I told her everything I know about coffee. Turns out, she's just doing this job for the money to get through school, and she really couldn't care less about coffee. I'm thinking that was probably a bad opening by me. She did smile a few times, but it may have been more of a nervous smile.

Since, she probably was the only real person I came down here to see(besides the old ninja guy)I pretty much drove the five hours home right after that. I drove 10 hours for a cup of coffee which I dumped out anyway. I really don't like coffee very much anymore.

Okay, that title sounds a lot better than the reality of what happened. I was at work. In case I haven't mentioned it, I now work at a coffee shop. I can always go back and visit my favorite coffee shop cashier and go over the finer points of frappuccino. But I digress... I was at work when I got a call that my neighbor's water heater exploded and my apartment was probably being flooded with water. Maintenance tried to get in, and my loyal, but misguided dog wasn't letting them. I'm guessing she chose drowning over being pet by a stranger.

I got home, and they fixed the carpet, so all is fine. Wasn't that exciting? I've been lying low the last few days. I think the people in the apartment building are onto me, so I have to keep a low profile, or make a damn suit already. I'm too nervous to stop any real crimes while I'm not wearing colorful, skintight spandex.

No, I did not fight Godzilla. This is the real world. I'm just bored today so I'm watching a Godzilla marathon on my PS3. I'm currently watching the Japanese version of King Kong Vs. Godzilla. Awesome! I know I probably didn't need to blog about this, but my blogs have definitely slowed down lately as I've been a little under the weather. Super powers don't stop the common cold. I guess nothing does. Oh well.

I finally have internet! I thought they were slow in the suburbs in getting you hooked up, but this was ridiculous! I couldn't get to the Yoville factory to get paid in days! More importantly, I couldn't fill you in on everything that happened over the weekend/early week.

I was right, there is a LOT more action in the city. I stopped my first real city crime on Saturday night. A guy, and I so saw it coming, snatched a little old lady's purse. Her grandson was with her, but he was a wimp who wouldn't do anything. He was also only about 9 years old, so I won't bust on him too much. The guy ran down an alley and thought he was in the clear. He was going through her stuff looking for the money when I made my move. I picked him up by the collar and looked him in the face and yelled at him for stealing from the little old lady. The lady caught up with us at that time and started kicking the guy. Then she started kicking me too. She was a pretty feisty old lady. I think she thought I was working with the guy. I explained that I tracked him down and caught him for her, and she kicked him in the shin one more time, thanked me, gave me a dollar and took her purse as she left.

This brings me to my new idea... why should superheroes always have to work for free? I can charge for my services. Who the heck are they gonna look for when a super villain tries to take over the entire city? Hello... Super Me! Then I'll be rolling in the dough. I haven't come up with a good name yet. I figured once I settle on a costume design, that will come naturally.

I've been busy packing up all my crap and getting ready for the move today. It's about a 5 hour drive, and I have my Uhaul, so I'll get moving soon. Luckily, I don't need anybody to help me, because I can carry everything out to the truck myself, and probably in about 30 seconds. I'll have to go a little slower than I'd like as to not arouse any suspicion. I don't have a costume yet. Some nice lady on twitter tried to help me with suggestions, but I honestly didn't understand any of what she was talking about.

I heard that twitter is so last year, and even possibly so 2 years ago. Is this true? Why do I only jump on bandwagons way after the ship has sailed. I think I'm mixing metaphors or something but I'm a superhero, not a writer. There's a lot of awesome celebrities tweeting still. Even a Carrot Top impersonator. He has been pretty quiet as of late though.

I'm moving to the city. I got a job there doing photography for the Daily Bugle. Just kidding. I'll really be stock boy at a warehouse just outside of the city, but I'll be actually living IN the city. I have a feeling things are gonna pick up now. I'll definitely see more action, both with women and criminals. I'm a little nervous. I've never lived in a city before. I hear good and bad things. Well, at least most of the people I hear from(probably all but what do I know?) don't have my amazing abilities. I sound so egotistical when I say that. Oh well.

I am going to miss the cashier at the coffee shop. Oh well... it's not like she even made eye contact with me when she gave me my change. I tend to obsess a little.

Well, the Left Hand store closed today. Nobody warned me, I just showed up and the door was locked with a closed forever or something like that sign stuck to it. I shaved for nothing. Speaking of that... shaving is much tougher for some reason when you're a virtually indestructible man of super powers. Beard hairs are much more difficult to convince to shorten up. I had to get a Gillette Quattro. Highly recommended for other superheroes.

It's things like that that people don't realize about being "blessed" with extraordinary powers. Don't get me wrong... if someone shoots me, I'll be thrilled to be tougher than most. I just wish I didn't need a chainsaw to cut my toenails.

Back to the store... I need a job now. I may become a street performer or go into an arm wrestling tournament. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I doubt they have any around here. I'll have to look for one. One that's for money, and not for beer.

I'm having trouble making my suit. I really have no clue what I'm doing. I'm thinking about asking my mom to help, but then she may find out my secret. Well, it would be better than the time she thought I was gay. I'm not going to get into that now...

First of all, I'm terrible with colors. I don't want to look like any other superhero out there. That would be embarrassing if we met. Not that I think they are real, but I am... so who knows anymore, right? Second, I don't have a sewing machine so I have to do it all by hand. Third, I don't know what kind of material to use. Most of the superheroes nowadays seem to be wearing rubberish suits. How the hell do they do that? Where do they get suit-making rubber? It's not at Walmart I can tell ya. At least the people at Walmart didn't know where it was... I'll keep looking. I could order stuff on the internet, but I'd like to see it first. Maybe Ebay has full suits ready to go, so I won't have to make anything.

I also have been thinking of a name. I was going to be "Captain" something or other, but I'm not really a captain so that would be stupid. "Mr." Something or other seems too formal. Throwing "super" in front of something is pretty lame too. I'll keep pondering.

I'm on break at work. I still have my job, but probably not for long. It looks like either most of us will get laid off, or the whole store will close. I almost hope it does. I'd like unemployment. It may be $5 a week, but at least I don't have to deal with Mr. Kyle! He's become unbearable since he got busted cheating customers. He's also been calling out sick a lot, making us pick up the slack. Since he won't have an assistant manager... that would be too much power for an underling as he puts it, I'm sort of the unpaid assistant I guess. I'm in charge of picking up the pieces. I don't like Mr. Kyle one bit!

No more fights or crimes or anything to report of. In the comics it's action, action, action all the time. What B.S. that is! It's all waiting, waiting, waiting. It's boring! I have to make my own action... and costume. I don't trust anyone with my secret yet, so I have to make my own suit. I remember a little from my 7th grade home ec class. I made a pair of jams that I'm sure would still hold together if they weren't so hideous to look at that I threw them out. My superhero suit will look much better. Less fish on it. I need a name though. I'll think it over.

Woke up around 10 AM. I never sleep that late. Maybe it's because I went to bed at 9 AM. I was working on my web project, because lord knows I don't do much else. Then there was a power surge and it wiped out about 4 hours of work. Apparently I was hitting S and not S to save my work. Well, I guess I would have had so many capital S's throughout my HTML that I might as well have redone it anyway.

Enough of my late night web failures, I also have the failure of my hockey team to play in overtime yesterday. Nothing like coming back and tying the game with 3 minutes left, only to let the other team have about 40 shots in the first 5 seconds of the overtime... pathetic. Luckily it was only the 1st game of the best of 7 series.

And another thing... the Bruins suck! At least for the next 2 weeks or so.

I had first superhero-ish experience last night. I went to see the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake last night at the theater mall. It was so-so. Nothing will beat the original Freddy...

Anyway, on the way out, I saw some suspicious looking guys hanging out in the dark alley by the side exit. I decided I should watch them... with them being suspicious and all. Not long after, a young lady came out the exit by herself(young ladies, don't go into dark alleys by yourselves... there won't always be a superhero there to save you!) These suspicious guys immediately start verbally harassing this poor woman. She tries her best to ignore them, but these guys weren't giving up. One stepped in front of her, blocking her path. She then pulled out a gun and threatened to blow his head off. That's when I intervened, and grabbed her gun and snapped it in half, then held her by the collar until the mall police could take her away. You're not supposed to have guns at the movies!

Okay, so I am blogging today, even after I promised myself I wouldn't. I have another web project to work on this weekend, and the Left Hand Store is hitting hard times. Mr. Kyle was caught trying to pass Right Hand merchandise as Left Hand merchandise. What a turd. Now he has to get rid of some employees. I'm pretty sure I'll be at the top of the list. I really don't mind, except I won't see my favorite coffee cashier everyday if he does lay me off. Times are stressful. Super stressful... ha!

I'm thinking of taking a vacation to New York City towards the end of May or early June. It's my brother's birthday and he lives up there. Then I can see how much trouble I can get into in a big city. See if it's all it's cut out to be. See if I can find Peter Parker. LOL. Although, I shouldn't laugh, he may be real for all I know now.

Besides this blog, I am also writing in a personal journal. It's something I never thought to do, but now, with this life-changing incident, I thought it would be a good idea to document it on a personal level. I tried going back and reading it from the beginning. It sucks. This blog is better. I'm quitting the journal.

There may be nothing worse than waking up thinking it's Friday, but finding out it's just stupid Thursday. Nobody likes you Thursday... just give up. You'll never be as good as Friday(unless you're Thanksgiving but we won't go into that).

I went to the bank yesterday and I happened to see, with my X-Ray vision, a guy with a concealed weapon. I naturally assumed he was going to rob the place. I'm thankful I didn't do anything right then and there, because as it turns out, he's a cop. I luckily checked his wallet first and saw his credentials. I felt pretty intelligent and level-headed then. Come on... nothing much exciting happens here. You try writing a blog about your boring life. Actually, you probably do have a blog already and it's probably better than this one. I'd better not whine anymore.

I am totally addicted to twitter. I am trying(thus far unsuccessfully) to get any celeb to acknowledge my existence. It's so much fun trying though. I'll probably get blocked any second now by all of Hollywood. That would be fun too. I don't know why it took me so long to tweet, but tweeting is the only way!

Online dating sucks. You may have heard that before, but now you're hearing it again. First they make you pay for it. It's hard enough to pay on a date, but now you've got to pay just to have a chance at getting a date. Then, the questions they ask you are vague at best. "Have you ever been in love?" Yes. I love twinkies. Should I put that? It's the real me, but they don't have any way to answer that. It's just yes or no.

Then you have to put a picture up. I don't do pictures well. If that's all the lovely ladies are gonna see before they even get to my bio, well I'm screwed. Then when you do write a bio, it tells you it's not good enough and it gives you hints. It's telling me what to say about myself. Who the hell does it think it is?

Then the women... on the ads it shows you a really hot woman and it says meet her tonight or something like that. Nobody even close to looking like that lives near you. I promise. Not that looks are everything(I'm not one to talk!), but it's hard not to get your hopes up seeing the people they put on those ads. Ads are supposed to be honest! Right? Right??? Crap.

So, yeah I can see through walls and clothes and stuff. The clothes part is more practical. That's all I have to say about that.

Okay, so I took some time off dealing with things to play a joke on my pizza delivery guy. He ticked me off last time by getting on my case for not having a pen to sign his slip. He's the one making me sign, shouldn't he have the pen? He had to go to his car to get the pen, and he didn't trust me so he had to take the pizzas to his car with him. I swear he spit on the mushroom one.

Anyway, I wanted pizza last night, and I decided I was going to order 4 items. I did, but I ordered them separately throughout the night, making him deliver to me 4 times. I changed clothes and used a different accent each time. My American accent was impeccable. The German and French a little less so, and I don't think he bought the Jamaican accent at all. I could see him getting a little angrier and angrier each time. He did have his pen though. He now knows not to mess with me, although I think he spit on my last order, and I know he shook up the 2 liter of coke.

Oh, and I can see through things.

I realize now that I probably need to move if I want to have an interesting career as a superhero. A golf community comprised almost entirely of senior citizens leaves little opportunity for crime stopping. Truth be told, any crime would not need any super powers whatsoever to stop. Super speed is completely lost here, as most of the potential criminals are only as fast as their golf carts.

So I went for a nice walk last night looking for any danger, and the closest thing I saw was a guy who didn't pick up his dog's feces. I beat the crap out of the guy. Just kidding.

There are a bunch of rich seniors here, so I'm thinking that maybe I should be the villain for a little while... get some money, then I can move to the city or something and then start being the good guy. Lots of wrestlers change allegiances during their careers... why can't I?

I think there is a ninja living in my apartment building. I saw him working out in the walkway outside my door. Scared my dog. Scared me a little too. I have to learn to not be frightened anymore, especially of elderly (he looked about 70) potential ninjas. Maybe he can be a Mr. Miyagi or something.

I'm working out at the gym now to try to get in shape. Unfortunately, they don't have enough weights there to give me a workout for my muscles, so I have to stick to cardio.

It's Friday night, I was thinking about kind of cruising around town to see if I can find any crimes to stop. I need practice if I'm going to be a superhero, right? I don't have a uniform or anything. I do have an old Burger King guy costume. That would look funny fighting crime, but I may be sued. Or I may get free Whoppers for life, could go either way.

I know I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I am fast. Not sure about the faster than a speeding bullet part. I don't own a gun. I don't like them. I do now know, and a few days in the hospital will attest to the fact that I am NOT more powerful than a speeding locomotive. I'm still pretty powerful though. It threw me about a hundred feet away and I landed on my head, but it didn't kill me. Try that! (No, don't try it.)

I don't have a scratch on me, but I was out for about 48 hours. Supposedly I kept saying "choo choo" in my sleep, but I think the doctor was just messing with me.

I'm trying online dating now. EHarmony turned me down, but I know that there are more places out there. Better ones! I wish I had the guts to ask out the cashier at the coffee shop.

Today is Sunday, the day of rest. So of course I'm going to be busy. I have to finish that web project... I'm working on a flash animation actually. I'm animating Superman...

On a related note... about my "abilities"... I realize that I'm in really bad shape. If I do a fast running thing, I not only run super fast, but I run out of breath super fast. Can't have a too out of shape superhero, can we? I'm wishing I had a Total Gym. My apartment complex doesn't have a gym and I can't afford a membership. I wonder how Red Bull will affect things... Ah, the experiments I will have.

I hope I get in a fight tonight. I've never been in a fight before, and I think I'm ready for one now. I think I have 'roid rage, but without the 'roids. I have super strength, speed, hearing and sight(reading in the dark saves electricity). I think I'll be able to hold my own. Maybe I should go into the WWE.

I'm mostly angry because my hockey team lost last night, and I forgot I have a project due for web class Monday. That always ticks me off. That and that damn handicapped car parked in the last spot again. This time I sort of "threw" it into a handicapped spot or two. I hope nobody saw me. I can't get too reckless. I think really need to find a stress release. Maybe I can do yoga.

Well, it looks like another boring weekend. I don't do much, but at least it'll give me time to sort out my life. I should be looking more forward to it, but so far super powers aren't all they're cracked up to be. I can't really use them in front of anyone or they'll freak out. I don't have a costume(too embarrassing to wear) or anything since I'm not fighting crime or anything. All it's doing is making it tough to sleep, and making me be really careful when I open doors so I don't rip off the doorknob.

At least the hockey playoffs have started! I wonder if it's illegal to use super powers in the NHL. I'm pretty sure Wayne Gretzky did. Maybe I should try out for a team.

I need a day off, just to see what the heck is going on. You may think I'm crazy that I haven't just tried all possible powers to see how super I really am... but then again, I sort of am crazy. I'm taking an online course in website programming, and working full time... so things are a little hectic.

I know I'm strong now. I picked up a car last night that had parked in my parking space. Okay, I don't have a designated parking space, but a Honda with a handicapped placard was parked in front of my building, taking up the last regular spot. All 3 handicapped spots were open, so I picked up their car and put it in one of the handicapped spots, barely avoiding placing it upside down... this good/evil thing is harder than I thought.

I don't want to give out too much information about myself... because the more you know, the more dangerous it will be for you when I finally find an arch nemesis. On that note, I haven't even decided if I'm going to use my powers for good or evil... or at all. I'm leaning towards good if I do use them in a crime oriented manner. Even when I play role playing games on Xbox, if I choose the bad/dark/renegade/whatever path, I have to immediately go back and play as a good guy to apologize to all the characters I was mean to the previous play-through.

Well, back to telling you about myself a little. My name is Irving, as you may or may not have discovered on your own. When I asked my Mom who I was named after she said "some guy named Irving". I always imagined it was after the great writer Washington Irving and that would be my calling... but as I'm sure you've come to realize by reading this... writing isn't what I'm good at. I haven't found what I'm really good at yet, but counting postcards is right up there. I counted 2,547 in 35 seconds, with time for a break.

I moved to Florida from Pennsylvania recently, and it hasn't all been smooth sailing. I got in a serious car accident my first night here. I live in an apartment complex around a golf community(there are approximately 100 million golf communities just in this county I think). I took my Blazer out for a spin around town to check out the sights, and at around the same time, a little 90 year old man decided to get drunk and take his golf cart out for a joyride. He pulled out in front of me and don't you know... it was my blazer that ended up upside down in the ditch while he sped away on his cart of doom. They never caught the guy, but they will. How many little old men on golf carts can there be?

I work at a left-handed store in a shopping strip mall. My boss is a turd. At the other end of the strip is a coffee shop, and I have my eye on the cashier/server there. I won't give her name to protect her identity. She's the only female that works there, and I'm pretty sure she's dating the manager. He's pretty big, and I'm not sure what powers I have yet.

I can't really think of anything else you'd want to know right now. You can always ask if you want to know something I suppose. If I can answer, I will, but don't be offended if I can't... I'm just protecting you!

Yeah... I can't fly. I got home from work, got on the roof of my apartment building(luckily only 2 stories) and tried to fly off of it, after standing on the edge for about half an hour thinking about it. In Douglas Adam's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy he says flying is throwing yourself at the ground and repeatedly missing. Unfortunately my aim is perfect and I hit the ground every time. Yes, I tried it multiple times. Luckily my pain tolerance is super high.

To make matters worse, I was seen jumping off the roof(several times) and the police were called and told that a man was trying to commit suicide several times, so I had a lot of questions to answer to them. They were pretty nice to me, if a little confused by what had happened.

Well, I'm off to work early, because since my boss, Mr. Kyle is ticked off at me, I have to do inventory today. I can't wait to count all the left handed postcards.

I'm on lunch break. I wasn't fired, but Mr. Kyle was Mr. Angry when I got in. I had to finish cleaning up the goo, as everyone else was afraid to go near it. I got some more on me... I gotta learn to be more careful.

No, I haven't told anyone about my powers. I know enough that that's supposed to be a secret. I don't want anyone to know more than they have to. Otherwise, my arch nemesis(once I get one) will use them to get to me.

I'm in the process of trying out different ideas to see what powers I do have. I know I have the super hearing thing, and I'm really fast. My poor dog couldn't keep up with me this morning, and she's usually dragging me along in her wake. I tried going invisible, but everyone pretty much ignores me anyway so I can't tell if it's worked or not, and I'm too embarrassed to ask. I sort of tried to fly in the parking lot by jumping, but I didn't want to look too crazy, so I may try jumping off my apartment building tonight to see if that works. Wish me luck!

Woke up way too early this morning. It's hard to sleep when you have super hearing and can hear EVERYTHING, especially the surprisingly frisky little old couple three apartments down. WOW! Think I need some industrial strength ear plugs!

Walked the dog, quickly, and now off to work to see how angry Mr. Kyle is. Not only did I leave early yesterday without telling him, but I think I also left that glowing green goo sitting out without a caution sign. Whoops!

I'm going out to eat with the parents tonight, so that's why the early post. It's a free meal so I can't complain, but I hope we do Italian.

Well, I got super powers today. That was unexpected. I'd never particularly thought about getting them, but there you go. I am just a mild mannered sales clerk at a left hand store. I'm right handed. Maybe that has changed with my powers... nope.

I accepted a shipment of a growing green substance. I think it was meant for our store. I picked it up and spilled it all over the warehouse(I call it warehouse, it's really more like a closet)floor. I really should check hazmat warning labels more carefully as I sopped up the glowing goo with a left handed paper towel. Some of it... well a lot of it... got on my hands I and forgot to wash it off before lunch, so I'm sure I consumed some of it too. I started feeling a little woozy so I went home early. I passed out as soon as I got home, and when I awoke, I felt super.

I think I may be in trouble, because I forgot to tell my boss I was leaving early and there were like 6 messages on my answering machine while I was napping. I hope I still have a job. I'll let you know tomorrow when I find out.