Super Irving

Okay, so I am blogging today, even after I promised myself I wouldn't. I have another web project to work on this weekend, and the Left Hand Store is hitting hard times. Mr. Kyle was caught trying to pass Right Hand merchandise as Left Hand merchandise. What a turd. Now he has to get rid of some employees. I'm pretty sure I'll be at the top of the list. I really don't mind, except I won't see my favorite coffee cashier everyday if he does lay me off. Times are stressful. Super stressful... ha!

I'm thinking of taking a vacation to New York City towards the end of May or early June. It's my brother's birthday and he lives up there. Then I can see how much trouble I can get into in a big city. See if it's all it's cut out to be. See if I can find Peter Parker. LOL. Although, I shouldn't laugh, he may be real for all I know now.

Besides this blog, I am also writing in a personal journal. It's something I never thought to do, but now, with this life-changing incident, I thought it would be a good idea to document it on a personal level. I tried going back and reading it from the beginning. It sucks. This blog is better. I'm quitting the journal.

There may be nothing worse than waking up thinking it's Friday, but finding out it's just stupid Thursday. Nobody likes you Thursday... just give up. You'll never be as good as Friday(unless you're Thanksgiving but we won't go into that).

I went to the bank yesterday and I happened to see, with my X-Ray vision, a guy with a concealed weapon. I naturally assumed he was going to rob the place. I'm thankful I didn't do anything right then and there, because as it turns out, he's a cop. I luckily checked his wallet first and saw his credentials. I felt pretty intelligent and level-headed then. Come on... nothing much exciting happens here. You try writing a blog about your boring life. Actually, you probably do have a blog already and it's probably better than this one. I'd better not whine anymore.

I am totally addicted to twitter. I am trying(thus far unsuccessfully) to get any celeb to acknowledge my existence. It's so much fun trying though. I'll probably get blocked any second now by all of Hollywood. That would be fun too. I don't know why it took me so long to tweet, but tweeting is the only way!

Online dating sucks. You may have heard that before, but now you're hearing it again. First they make you pay for it. It's hard enough to pay on a date, but now you've got to pay just to have a chance at getting a date. Then, the questions they ask you are vague at best. "Have you ever been in love?" Yes. I love twinkies. Should I put that? It's the real me, but they don't have any way to answer that. It's just yes or no.

Then you have to put a picture up. I don't do pictures well. If that's all the lovely ladies are gonna see before they even get to my bio, well I'm screwed. Then when you do write a bio, it tells you it's not good enough and it gives you hints. It's telling me what to say about myself. Who the hell does it think it is?

Then the women... on the ads it shows you a really hot woman and it says meet her tonight or something like that. Nobody even close to looking like that lives near you. I promise. Not that looks are everything(I'm not one to talk!), but it's hard not to get your hopes up seeing the people they put on those ads. Ads are supposed to be honest! Right? Right??? Crap.

So, yeah I can see through walls and clothes and stuff. The clothes part is more practical. That's all I have to say about that.

Okay, so I took some time off dealing with things to play a joke on my pizza delivery guy. He ticked me off last time by getting on my case for not having a pen to sign his slip. He's the one making me sign, shouldn't he have the pen? He had to go to his car to get the pen, and he didn't trust me so he had to take the pizzas to his car with him. I swear he spit on the mushroom one.

Anyway, I wanted pizza last night, and I decided I was going to order 4 items. I did, but I ordered them separately throughout the night, making him deliver to me 4 times. I changed clothes and used a different accent each time. My American accent was impeccable. The German and French a little less so, and I don't think he bought the Jamaican accent at all. I could see him getting a little angrier and angrier each time. He did have his pen though. He now knows not to mess with me, although I think he spit on my last order, and I know he shook up the 2 liter of coke.

Oh, and I can see through things.

I realize now that I probably need to move if I want to have an interesting career as a superhero. A golf community comprised almost entirely of senior citizens leaves little opportunity for crime stopping. Truth be told, any crime would not need any super powers whatsoever to stop. Super speed is completely lost here, as most of the potential criminals are only as fast as their golf carts.

So I went for a nice walk last night looking for any danger, and the closest thing I saw was a guy who didn't pick up his dog's feces. I beat the crap out of the guy. Just kidding.

There are a bunch of rich seniors here, so I'm thinking that maybe I should be the villain for a little while... get some money, then I can move to the city or something and then start being the good guy. Lots of wrestlers change allegiances during their careers... why can't I?

I think there is a ninja living in my apartment building. I saw him working out in the walkway outside my door. Scared my dog. Scared me a little too. I have to learn to not be frightened anymore, especially of elderly (he looked about 70) potential ninjas. Maybe he can be a Mr. Miyagi or something.

I'm working out at the gym now to try to get in shape. Unfortunately, they don't have enough weights there to give me a workout for my muscles, so I have to stick to cardio.

It's Friday night, I was thinking about kind of cruising around town to see if I can find any crimes to stop. I need practice if I'm going to be a superhero, right? I don't have a uniform or anything. I do have an old Burger King guy costume. That would look funny fighting crime, but I may be sued. Or I may get free Whoppers for life, could go either way.

I know I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I am fast. Not sure about the faster than a speeding bullet part. I don't own a gun. I don't like them. I do now know, and a few days in the hospital will attest to the fact that I am NOT more powerful than a speeding locomotive. I'm still pretty powerful though. It threw me about a hundred feet away and I landed on my head, but it didn't kill me. Try that! (No, don't try it.)

I don't have a scratch on me, but I was out for about 48 hours. Supposedly I kept saying "choo choo" in my sleep, but I think the doctor was just messing with me.

I'm trying online dating now. EHarmony turned me down, but I know that there are more places out there. Better ones! I wish I had the guts to ask out the cashier at the coffee shop.

Today is Sunday, the day of rest. So of course I'm going to be busy. I have to finish that web project... I'm working on a flash animation actually. I'm animating Superman...

On a related note... about my "abilities"... I realize that I'm in really bad shape. If I do a fast running thing, I not only run super fast, but I run out of breath super fast. Can't have a too out of shape superhero, can we? I'm wishing I had a Total Gym. My apartment complex doesn't have a gym and I can't afford a membership. I wonder how Red Bull will affect things... Ah, the experiments I will have.

I hope I get in a fight tonight. I've never been in a fight before, and I think I'm ready for one now. I think I have 'roid rage, but without the 'roids. I have super strength, speed, hearing and sight(reading in the dark saves electricity). I think I'll be able to hold my own. Maybe I should go into the WWE.

I'm mostly angry because my hockey team lost last night, and I forgot I have a project due for web class Monday. That always ticks me off. That and that damn handicapped car parked in the last spot again. This time I sort of "threw" it into a handicapped spot or two. I hope nobody saw me. I can't get too reckless. I think really need to find a stress release. Maybe I can do yoga.

Well, it looks like another boring weekend. I don't do much, but at least it'll give me time to sort out my life. I should be looking more forward to it, but so far super powers aren't all they're cracked up to be. I can't really use them in front of anyone or they'll freak out. I don't have a costume(too embarrassing to wear) or anything since I'm not fighting crime or anything. All it's doing is making it tough to sleep, and making me be really careful when I open doors so I don't rip off the doorknob.

At least the hockey playoffs have started! I wonder if it's illegal to use super powers in the NHL. I'm pretty sure Wayne Gretzky did. Maybe I should try out for a team.

I need a day off, just to see what the heck is going on. You may think I'm crazy that I haven't just tried all possible powers to see how super I really am... but then again, I sort of am crazy. I'm taking an online course in website programming, and working full time... so things are a little hectic.

I know I'm strong now. I picked up a car last night that had parked in my parking space. Okay, I don't have a designated parking space, but a Honda with a handicapped placard was parked in front of my building, taking up the last regular spot. All 3 handicapped spots were open, so I picked up their car and put it in one of the handicapped spots, barely avoiding placing it upside down... this good/evil thing is harder than I thought.

I don't want to give out too much information about myself... because the more you know, the more dangerous it will be for you when I finally find an arch nemesis. On that note, I haven't even decided if I'm going to use my powers for good or evil... or at all. I'm leaning towards good if I do use them in a crime oriented manner. Even when I play role playing games on Xbox, if I choose the bad/dark/renegade/whatever path, I have to immediately go back and play as a good guy to apologize to all the characters I was mean to the previous play-through.

Well, back to telling you about myself a little. My name is Irving, as you may or may not have discovered on your own. When I asked my Mom who I was named after she said "some guy named Irving". I always imagined it was after the great writer Washington Irving and that would be my calling... but as I'm sure you've come to realize by reading this... writing isn't what I'm good at. I haven't found what I'm really good at yet, but counting postcards is right up there. I counted 2,547 in 35 seconds, with time for a break.

I moved to Florida from Pennsylvania recently, and it hasn't all been smooth sailing. I got in a serious car accident my first night here. I live in an apartment complex around a golf community(there are approximately 100 million golf communities just in this county I think). I took my Blazer out for a spin around town to check out the sights, and at around the same time, a little 90 year old man decided to get drunk and take his golf cart out for a joyride. He pulled out in front of me and don't you know... it was my blazer that ended up upside down in the ditch while he sped away on his cart of doom. They never caught the guy, but they will. How many little old men on golf carts can there be?

I work at a left-handed store in a shopping strip mall. My boss is a turd. At the other end of the strip is a coffee shop, and I have my eye on the cashier/server there. I won't give her name to protect her identity. She's the only female that works there, and I'm pretty sure she's dating the manager. He's pretty big, and I'm not sure what powers I have yet.

I can't really think of anything else you'd want to know right now. You can always ask if you want to know something I suppose. If I can answer, I will, but don't be offended if I can't... I'm just protecting you!

Yeah... I can't fly. I got home from work, got on the roof of my apartment building(luckily only 2 stories) and tried to fly off of it, after standing on the edge for about half an hour thinking about it. In Douglas Adam's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy he says flying is throwing yourself at the ground and repeatedly missing. Unfortunately my aim is perfect and I hit the ground every time. Yes, I tried it multiple times. Luckily my pain tolerance is super high.

To make matters worse, I was seen jumping off the roof(several times) and the police were called and told that a man was trying to commit suicide several times, so I had a lot of questions to answer to them. They were pretty nice to me, if a little confused by what had happened.

Well, I'm off to work early, because since my boss, Mr. Kyle is ticked off at me, I have to do inventory today. I can't wait to count all the left handed postcards.

I'm on lunch break. I wasn't fired, but Mr. Kyle was Mr. Angry when I got in. I had to finish cleaning up the goo, as everyone else was afraid to go near it. I got some more on me... I gotta learn to be more careful.

No, I haven't told anyone about my powers. I know enough that that's supposed to be a secret. I don't want anyone to know more than they have to. Otherwise, my arch nemesis(once I get one) will use them to get to me.

I'm in the process of trying out different ideas to see what powers I do have. I know I have the super hearing thing, and I'm really fast. My poor dog couldn't keep up with me this morning, and she's usually dragging me along in her wake. I tried going invisible, but everyone pretty much ignores me anyway so I can't tell if it's worked or not, and I'm too embarrassed to ask. I sort of tried to fly in the parking lot by jumping, but I didn't want to look too crazy, so I may try jumping off my apartment building tonight to see if that works. Wish me luck!

Woke up way too early this morning. It's hard to sleep when you have super hearing and can hear EVERYTHING, especially the surprisingly frisky little old couple three apartments down. WOW! Think I need some industrial strength ear plugs!

Walked the dog, quickly, and now off to work to see how angry Mr. Kyle is. Not only did I leave early yesterday without telling him, but I think I also left that glowing green goo sitting out without a caution sign. Whoops!

I'm going out to eat with the parents tonight, so that's why the early post. It's a free meal so I can't complain, but I hope we do Italian.

Well, I got super powers today. That was unexpected. I'd never particularly thought about getting them, but there you go. I am just a mild mannered sales clerk at a left hand store. I'm right handed. Maybe that has changed with my powers... nope.

I accepted a shipment of a growing green substance. I think it was meant for our store. I picked it up and spilled it all over the warehouse(I call it warehouse, it's really more like a closet)floor. I really should check hazmat warning labels more carefully as I sopped up the glowing goo with a left handed paper towel. Some of it... well a lot of it... got on my hands I and forgot to wash it off before lunch, so I'm sure I consumed some of it too. I started feeling a little woozy so I went home early. I passed out as soon as I got home, and when I awoke, I felt super.

I think I may be in trouble, because I forgot to tell my boss I was leaving early and there were like 6 messages on my answering machine while I was napping. I hope I still have a job. I'll let you know tomorrow when I find out.